Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
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I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
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Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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