I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
