I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
