I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
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So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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