i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Holy sore nipples Batman
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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