i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
