umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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