i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
