I think i peed on brittanys purse
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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