He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
