I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
