Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
