I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
