why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need to align my fucking chakras
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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