Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
