Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
