well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
