I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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