When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
