First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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