Barsexuality is the new black.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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