Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
