maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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