so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
