Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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