I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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