My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
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I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?