I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.