just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
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I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary