i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
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I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
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cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath