dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident