Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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