Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
