I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
But theres a keg here and me gusta
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
