So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
