So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
