So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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