"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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