overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
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The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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