Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
