He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
