Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
