my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
