I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
