I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
