I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
