my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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