why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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