my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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