So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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