I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
