You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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