i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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