Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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