theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
