Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
