if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
