I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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