We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
