Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
and you fell through a lawn chair
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
